If you grew up in small-town Alberta, or in a rural area anywhere in the country, you will be able to relate to the following. I’ve gotta give credit to Megan for passing this along from Don Lewis and the Edmonton Journal.
The rules for living in rural Alberta:
- It’s called a “dirt road.” No matter how slow you drive, you’re going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
- They are not just cattle. They’re live steaks. That’s why they smell funny to you. But they smell like money to us.
- So you have a $60,000 car. We’re impressed. We have $250,000 tractors.
- So every person in rural Alberta waves. It’s called being friendly. Try to understand the concept.
- If that cellphone rings while an eight-point buck and three does are coming in, we will shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don’t have it up to your ear at the time.
- Yeah, we eat beans and brown bread. You really want sushi and caviar? It’s available at the corner bait shop.
- The “Opener” refers to the first day of deer season. It’s a religious holiday.
- We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.
- No, there’s no vegetarian special on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the chef’s salad and pick off the two pounds of ham and turkey.
- When we set a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables and breads. Moreover, we use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
- You bring Coke into our house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice.
- You bring Mary Jane into our house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
- Minor hockey is as important here as the Oilers and Flames, and more fun to watch.
- Yeah, we have golf courses. But don’t hit the water hazards. It spooks the fish.
- Colleges? We have them all over. We have universities and community colleges. The kids come out of there with an education and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays.
- Turn down that blasted car stereo. That thumpity-thump ain’t music, anyway. We don’t want to hear it any more than we want to see your boxer shorts.
- Five centimeters of snow is no reason for the world to stop, so don’t take all our bread and milk from the grocery store. Drive like you have some sense. If you get stuck, the pickups and tractors with snow blades will have you out the next day.